oh children. they are small and pink and curly-haired. to win my heart they must wobble past on unsteady short legs and grant be a brief sparkling smile. I find myself wanting to offer their mother some kind of explanation as I follow their child with an grin of undiluted joy overtaking my face. mostly I turn down the wattage of my smile and give a nod, acknowledging the delightul innocence of a wandering miracle and the great care of the woman with the treasure of watching over it.

I do miss the boys. I need more butterflies and eskimos in my day.

stopping to think is simultaneously the best and worst thing I can do.
at night, or in the early morning, if I think about all there is to do the next day my heart will race, my eyes won’t close and I can’t breathe properly. I have to call on my practiced techniques to calm my pulse and quietly listen to each of my limbs and muscles falling into rest.
during the day, when I’m in the thick of it I realize that every single minute must be lived. there is no force causing them to sped up. there is nothing to make them extra slow, to make me find more things to fill them with. things take time and I have time. I have things to do and I have time in which to do them. If I am realistic and relaxed, I can stay a peaceful course.

so when there is nothing I must think of nothing, and when there is everything, I must think of that, too. otherwise I’ll drown.

excuse me but would you listen to me for a moment?
this is silly, really it’s very silly, but you see it’s been the whole day now and I haven’t heard from him.
that’s okay I guess, only I haven’t seen him for a week either.
it makes me nervous and shaky.
I feel hungry but I don’t want to eat.
it’s just that I love him and I miss him when he’s not here.
things simply aren’t right when he’s not here.
I need him here to breathe properly, it seems.
do you think, if you hear from him today, you could tel him I called?
thank you.
it’s just that I love him so much, that’s all.
so very much.

please be my friend. I admire you. I think you’re funny. I want to know you. you have a good time all the time. let’s have inside jokes and coffee dates.

please say hi. please know me. please want to know me. I’m funny too. I have a good time too. I want you to know me. please don’t ignore me. please love this human heart.

day one:

minor signs of alienation are already apparent. don’t let it get to you. they have a shared history, time together before you. don’t let it get to you. it’s not about you. it’s not meant to hurt you. you cannot control the lives and actions of others. you cannot expect them to be like you. you are the add on, the new guy. give it time an dyou will blend like a fruit smoothie.

day two:

see I told you. almost there. you’re in. you’re good. they love you, and they help you and they joke with you. it’s going to be okay.

day three:

minor problem. I spoke too soon, I guess. you are not there yet. you are not enough yet. go wash your clothes and do the best you can. get some money and buy new clothes.  buy good ones, buy nice ones, buy the right ones. take the time and follow the leader, round and round.

day four:

you’re not quite so apart anymore. but you do look different. you do not have their clothes, their miniscule size, their talent with a blowdryer or makeup brush. you can’t help that. it’s not your fault. you are you and only you and cannot be them. it’s nothing to blame. stop thinking about it. stop dwelling. it doesn’t matter. you matter. clothes are clothes.  just be warm, comfy and yourself.

day five:

you are now you. you have your day and your schedule and your grocery lists and your busy things to do. so do they. the overlap is tolerable, even enjoyable. sometimes it feels strained and fake, it’s true. there’s no help for that. you’ve got to give people the right to be however they want to be, with themselves and with you. you cannot connect with everyone. but it’s all oaky now. you are loved now. you are wanted and strong and independent and smart. you can do this. you can live in this ridiculous world and exit in a few years unscathed. just get through today with a genuine smile and there will be nothing to worry about.

I’m sitting on a realistic rock structure in caterpillar park. the mild breeze is causing my eyes to water. I’m trying hard not to cry.  it’s strange. I feel guilty in my frustration.
I am constantly struck, over and over, by the realization that I have no right to cry. that I am such a rich, fortunate and well cared for individual that I have no right to find fault with my life or my immediate circumstances.
but here’s the kicker. people are stressed and frustrated all the time. getting places on time and jumping through all the right hoops to achieve their goals is an endless headache and cause of heartache.
goals are set for ourselves by ourselves, then the frustration is taken out on ourselves when things do not progress according to plan. do you see the inevitable pain?
why do we need these goals? when were we taught to value goals and the infliction of pain on the road to achievement? accomplishments that only look good for a short term until a new goal is taken on?
why can’t we just be happy? why do we always have to be in a state of motion and time sensitive action? let’s everybody calm down and feel the breeze on your face.

sometimes I am busy, and my time is effectively annd logically spent, and I do not miss you.
sometimes I have little to do, and my day is spent without logic and mostly with food and words and music and I miss you a bit.
sometimes I have everything to do but I am paralyzed without you to be part of it. I am stuck, and I miss you a lot.
let the days and weeks pass and let the red tape fall away.
I need you here to love me.
but for now, a short phone call from you is all I have, and all it takes to set my world to rights.

it’s too lovely outside to be in here.
let’s leave.
let’s all run out of the doors up into the hills and never look back.
we can climb trees and watch the stars dance slowly across the dark sky.
I want to dance and sing with you.
let’s put on sneakers and run outside and play.
we’ll go so far away no one will hear us.
no one will bother us.
I want to know the color of your hair in the moonlight, if any can be found seeping around the heavy clouds.
we can sleep until the sun comes up and fills the land with brightness.
the colors will wake up the rest of the world too and after our rest we will walk home and be again.
but please take a break and run into the night and be no one with me.
let’s be no one at all.
just for a few nighttime hours.

united
you nighted
you knighted

united the peasants struck out at the tyrannical lord.
you knighted them. gave them hope and reason to fight. granted self-pride, self-awareness.
did you grant this power? or did you create opportunities for them to find it within themselves?
united them in a common cause.
brought them together to work towards something more.

Please stop talking as though the people around you care about your life or your ideas. You are cruel and concerned with trivial matters. Irrelevancy is somehow and emergency and it makes me want to hate you. Instead I just feel sad. I don’t care how you slept last night or that your sorority is rushing this week. It doesn’t matter. It’s something a group of people conditioned to be just like you made up so they could constantly be surrounded by mirrors of themselves.

You show what’s important to you by how you present yourself, both verbally and physically. I don’t want to be around people who value makeup and earrings. I want to value hearts and minds and efforts to love. Take off your makeup and love me back.