the citrus princess: chapter one

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 The Citrus Princess

 

Oh, Christ.

     Once upon a time, there was a princess. A supremely boring girl who likely spent all her time being meek or kicking ass. It’s been done. What made her special, according to the royal histories, was that she smelled of oranges. Not something normal, like posies or soap, but oranges. And doesn’t she have a name? I think she deserves one. This was partly because her father and mother were King and Queen of the Citrus Kingdom. Which doesn’t really clarify anything, because there’s quite a variety of citrus. You might think that everyone in this kingdom to carry such a scent, but this was not the case. Though surely everyone in the kingdom smelled of something. And what about Citron, or Limon for her name? The reason the citrus princess smelled of oranges was because she had a secret. You really want this to be a story, don’t you? Just keep trying. I’m sure you’ll come up with something.     

     Her secret was that she loved to make orange juice. That’s all you’ve got? She doesn’t bathe in orange zest to rid herself of a nasty ogre-induced rash? Every day, the princess spent hours juicing oranges. By hand, of course. They didn’t have electricity once upon a time, so no one in the Citrus Kingdom had an electric juicer. The only problem was that, while the princess loved to make orange juice, she didn’t like drinking it. Doesn’t she know it’s chock full of good vitamins? Everyone needs some citric acid in their lives. Because of this, the princess was continually on the lookout for places to hide all the orange juice she was making until she could figure out what to do with it. You haven’t explained why it has to be a secret, or why no one questions her scent. You are really slacking here.

     One day on a walk through the forest, in search of some caves or perhaps some boulders in which to hide some orange juice, she came across a path she had never encountered before. Whoa, too random. I’m not okay with where this story is headed. I need more structure, more detail. The princess looked down this bright, new, mossy, green path, but she couldn’t see where it led. Are you mocking me? Being a curious sort of girl, she changed her course to follow it. Of course she does. Otherwise, what the hell would the point of the story be? It was a beautiful choice. Not that it was her choice. You forced her. You know that, don‘t you? After a few twists and turns, the path opened up to a large meadow filled with scattered wildflowers and surrounded by lush green ferns and trees. That’s good news. I wouldn’t want Princess No-Name to run into a dragon. She was overwhelmed by its simple beauty. Cop out. And it’s still just a meadow.

    

     But the best part was what she found in the middle of the clearing. This better be good. You’ve got a lot to make up for. It was an enchanted refrigerator. Fail. She quickly stored all the orange juice she was carrying and gasped. Oh, did she? Whee. It was enormous! I hate you. There was plenty of room for all the orange juice she would ever care to make. How could you know that? She really likes making orange juice. She could run out of space next week. Overjoyed, the citrus Princess skipped away down the path she had come, her head already full of plans to relocate not just her all of her orange juice, but her entire juicing workshop. I am so disappointed right now.

The End

Oh, no it isn’t! You left way too many holes in the story. First of all, what is her name? How old is she? What does she look like? The reader has no information about the character. Second, why is it such a big secret? Who cares if the girl makes orange juice? Also, why does no one question her scent? And apparently she is the only person alive in this kingdom. You’d think someone would have noticed a girl running around all furtively, trying to hide orange juice.

 Can’t you just appreciate the story for what it is? Children wouldn’t ask so many questions, and it is a fairy tale, after all.

 Are you kidding? Children would be asking way more questions than I’m asking. This story is just pathetic.

 So you think you can tell a better story? I doubt it.

 Just watch me. This is how it really went.

 It’s like a train wreck waiting to happen. I can’t look away.

 

 

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Filed under dialogue, series

Tags: enchanted, fairytale, oranges, princess, snarky